Wah!!! -or- More Bra Woes

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed some of the telltale signs of elevated estrogen levels. There's this certain kind of insomnia I get... And it fit in pretty well with the usual pattern -- up my training level a bit, burn off some of the fat stores left around from when my body was so fucked up, and release stored estrogen. (Or at least this is the hypothesis, and nothing yet has occurred to contradict it. It's weird, whatever it is.)

About a week ago I noticed that yes, indeed, my breast were once again larger. Considering that breast weight adds to my back problems -- and that they're just kind of annoying an absurd, even on my frame I really think a D cup should be ample -- this is not a happy thing. For me, anyway ;-P (Obviously, other people have other opinions, and some have even had the poor taste to express them in public. Feh.)

Then last week I managed to break an underwire in one of my sports bras, a sure sign that I was exceeding their capacity. (Yes, I wear underwire sports bras. For many reasons, but primarily because I can't find any other highly supportive bras made of wicking fabric in my sizse. Double feh. They are, however, very well designed, and when they fit properly quite comfortable.) Now... I'm also noticing more cyclical changes both in breast size and general water retention than ever before, and they do seem to be receding a bit... I'm hopeful this time the increase is not permanent.

However, while my beloved Lunaires come in larger chest sizes, their largest cup size is a DDD, so if I outgrow them I'm SOL.

Anyhow, there is one bra Title 9 carries that is high impact and is supposed to come in my size. At least, I usually wear a 38DDD, so I assumed a 38E (which comes after 38DD) would be pretty similar. So I crossed my fingers...

And it came today, and it did not fit. Indeed, the 38E was probably two sup sizes too small.

And while the company makes them in up to G cups, Title 9 doesn't carry them at those sizes.

And while I'm impressed by the design of the bra -- another engineering marvel -- I am even more dubious about the whole mail order bra thing... and it's kind of demoralizing to even consider ordering an F, or FF or whatever it would be...

(Yes, I am considering surgery. Though not until my body weight and hormones stabilize, as I can imagine few things more depressing than to go through surgery, get back on my feet, increase my training level... and have my breasts get larger. Again. And I'm not certain even then.)

Honesty and Integrity

During a conversation with Craig today (primarily about some folks in our fairly distant past) I started musing over the differences, at least in my mind, between honesty, and integrity. (Not that I'd exactly equated them, but they are often treated as kind of a package deal.)

Honesty to me is definately the lesser (and more common) one. I think of it largely on the short term -- a person can be honest, but inconstant, or have poor self knowledge, or a great capacity for self delusion. Or just poor communication skills -- people often are trying to be honest, but express themselves so poorly that they mislead by mistake. There is a kind of fundemental dishonesty I see when someone can say something one minute, and really mean it, and something contradictory the next, and really mean it too, and not really seem to have any awareness of the discrepency. But even there, there's room for a kind of innocence.

(However, just to be clear, while I can appreciate that there is a variety of innocence in such a case, I don't particularly respect it, nor do I trust it. People often find that cultivating ignorance makes their lives easier, and I really don't believe in encouraging such tactics.)

Oh, and just as a side note... on a personal level, I tend to have less trouble with people who use semantic games and evasion as a way to deliberately mislead than I do with people who out and out lie. However, while I am definately aware of this preference in myself, I don't believe I ascribe much weight to it ethically. It might have something to do with an aesthetic appreciation for things being done intelligently, because it certainly takes more wit to deceive without lying than to outright lie... but I don't think there's really much to choose from, otherwise. (I tend to put up with a lot more from people who I find interesting, which usually means intelligent. But I am deeply suspicious of this tendency.)

Integrity to me is the bigger, wider scope, one, and the one that really requires a more active approach. (You can be pretty honest, and still be a limp noodle. Not so, here.) It's not only a matter of being truthful in the moment, but taking the time to consider how one's values (and statements) play out over the course of one's life, and having the wherewithal to correct discrepencies if they occur.

For instance, if one makes a promise, and breaks it, that's fairly lacking in integrity. But... shit sometimes happen, and having broken a promise it's then important that the effected people are told, responsibility is taken, and what can be done to correct the damage is done. Depending on the circumstance, the latter actions at times might be more important than the initial breaking the promise. Trying to weasle one's way out of the promise after the fact is just beyond the pale.

And of course, and even more importantly, integrity means having the courage and making the effort to create a life that exemplifies one's values.

I know a lot of people who are reasonably honest, who don't strike me as having much integrity. (Of course "much" might be better translated as "enough" and it's all very subjective, and may have a lot to do with which areas of their lives have anything to do with me.)

I certainly can imagine people who are not at all times scrupulously honest, who however strike me as having a good deal of integrity.

Oh, and having mentioned that I'm willing to work around things like self-delusion with regard to honesty, I should also make it clear that I don't think such dodges fit at all in my personal definition of integrity. It's a much higher bar. (And in many ways a much more real one, to me. Honesty is mostly about intent. I don't think I can really discuss integrity without at least considering the actual results.)