trusting the world
Jul. 4th, 2003 07:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tylikDid compulsory Chen in the park with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
craigp and who_is_she, and then Master Feng's Chen with Craig afterwards. This hasn't been a great day for me physically (more on that later, probably) but especially during the second form I felt so dizzy, and tired I wasn't really sure I was going to make it through the form. And I started to get worried, and emotionally, at least, kind of tense up.
But then, and maybe it was just that I didn't really have the energy to sustain it, I just kind of let it go. I kind of thought "so what? what if I fall? I trust my body to know how to fall, and I trust the ground to catch me..." and I just kind of gave up thinking about the form, or wondering what I could or couldn't do, or anything else except for doing the form. Kind of a letting go of consequences, in a way. But also a very complete kind of relaxing.
(As a side note -- a couple months ago I completely blew a tornado kick, and took a flying fall... and hit and rolled and came up and it was fine. I've done other things like that, that one was just particularly spectacular. And very reassuring...)
It feels very right for Taiji, which is funny because I first recognized that I sometimes do that in wushu. In wushu, especially the first couple of quarters while my health was still pretty iffy, I'd often feel just overwhelmed -- not in pain, but breathing too hard, and feeling like I just couldn't go on. Before I did wushu, I usually just took a rest when I felt like that, but in wushu I found that I could usually just stop worrying about whether I could do it or not, and just keep moving. Sometimes with more or less success, but it was kind of amazing, how my body could go beyond what my brain knew how to do.
I've played with some similar ideas with Taiji, but it's never really come together the same way -- probably because it was usually pain that got in my way with Taiji, and while I like to be able to work through pain, I don't want to encourage myself to ignore it, either.
But this sense of giving up thinking, giving up any idea that I can control the world, or control the outcomes, and just doing the form, this relaxed but very solid focus, doing the form and not knowing even if I'd finish it... I'm looking forward to my body mending, but I want to take that bit with me.
Maybe I overdid it yesterday? It seems like I did so little! I drove into Redmond (and rode more than that -- being the car even as a passenger feels kind of weird). I saw a movie. I walked up a bunch of steps to the theatre. I had some food with friends. I did all my usual stretches. I didn't take much of a nap...
This morning I woke up at 10:30, when my mother called, and could barely get out of bed then. Went to an Indian Buffet with Craig, and then felt like I could go to sleep right there. Took it easy for a bit and then did Taiji in the park. And then came home and napped for a couple of hours.
Having some problems with inflamation in my upper back even with the drugs. Taiji felt good... and yet it wasn't easy to make the larger arm gestures. (And two forms left me exhausted. Two! Where I routinely will practice for three hours at a time.)
Part of me is getting a little scared. I was hoping that the fatigue would have lifted by now. I was hoping that it was lifting. I'm realizing that my not being in much pain really is only because of the drugs I'm on. Sometimes I start wondering if I have been kind of badly hurt, and how long it's going to take before I'm better, or more or less functional, or able to resume my usual activities, or whatever.
But I'm trying to let go of it.
craigp and who_is_she, and then Master Feng's Chen with Craig afterwards. This hasn't been a great day for me physically (more on that later, probably) but especially during the second form I felt so dizzy, and tired I wasn't really sure I was going to make it through the form. And I started to get worried, and emotionally, at least, kind of tense up. But then, and maybe it was just that I didn't really have the energy to sustain it, I just kind of let it go. I kind of thought "so what? what if I fall? I trust my body to know how to fall, and I trust the ground to catch me..." and I just kind of gave up thinking about the form, or wondering what I could or couldn't do, or anything else except for doing the form. Kind of a letting go of consequences, in a way. But also a very complete kind of relaxing.
(As a side note -- a couple months ago I completely blew a tornado kick, and took a flying fall... and hit and rolled and came up and it was fine. I've done other things like that, that one was just particularly spectacular. And very reassuring...)
It feels very right for Taiji, which is funny because I first recognized that I sometimes do that in wushu. In wushu, especially the first couple of quarters while my health was still pretty iffy, I'd often feel just overwhelmed -- not in pain, but breathing too hard, and feeling like I just couldn't go on. Before I did wushu, I usually just took a rest when I felt like that, but in wushu I found that I could usually just stop worrying about whether I could do it or not, and just keep moving. Sometimes with more or less success, but it was kind of amazing, how my body could go beyond what my brain knew how to do.
I've played with some similar ideas with Taiji, but it's never really come together the same way -- probably because it was usually pain that got in my way with Taiji, and while I like to be able to work through pain, I don't want to encourage myself to ignore it, either.
But this sense of giving up thinking, giving up any idea that I can control the world, or control the outcomes, and just doing the form, this relaxed but very solid focus, doing the form and not knowing even if I'd finish it... I'm looking forward to my body mending, but I want to take that bit with me.
Maybe I overdid it yesterday? It seems like I did so little! I drove into Redmond (and rode more than that -- being the car even as a passenger feels kind of weird). I saw a movie. I walked up a bunch of steps to the theatre. I had some food with friends. I did all my usual stretches. I didn't take much of a nap...
This morning I woke up at 10:30, when my mother called, and could barely get out of bed then. Went to an Indian Buffet with Craig, and then felt like I could go to sleep right there. Took it easy for a bit and then did Taiji in the park. And then came home and napped for a couple of hours.
Having some problems with inflamation in my upper back even with the drugs. Taiji felt good... and yet it wasn't easy to make the larger arm gestures. (And two forms left me exhausted. Two! Where I routinely will practice for three hours at a time.)
Part of me is getting a little scared. I was hoping that the fatigue would have lifted by now. I was hoping that it was lifting. I'm realizing that my not being in much pain really is only because of the drugs I'm on. Sometimes I start wondering if I have been kind of badly hurt, and how long it's going to take before I'm better, or more or less functional, or able to resume my usual activities, or whatever.
But I'm trying to let go of it.
