(no subject)

[tylik]

Orthogonally, it kind of amazes me how quickly I'll go into the "you're just not exercising enough because you're fat, lazy and unmotivated" bit. Oh yeah, that really helps me track whether the current regiment is working for me.

The last few years I have tended towards the default of being active unless I'm completely incapacitated. This at least largely made sense, because for a while I felt fairly awful most of the time, but being active helped, even if it was usually pretty hard to get started. And over time I have felt a lot better, and being active has become more and more reinforced in my mind as something fun that feels good. (Which isn't exactly a new pattern -- I think I started using activity to control/avert depression back in my teens. And diet. Of course, the extent to which my problems were depression other than chronic insomnia and hypoglycemia is kind of an unknown. At least the hypoglycemia is pretty much a non issue these days, and the insomnia a lot less of a problem.)

But I think I've always been frightened of some expressions of exercise (especially fitness industry type ones) for the same reason I've been frightened of dieting (by which I mean here deprivation models where weight loss was the goal, as opposed to other forms of diet alteration) which is that there always seemed to be this huge potential for falling into a "never enough" obsessive thing. I don't know how much of this potential is really in me, or how much I've just been exposed to it enough in other people... With all the problems my brother and sister have had both with anorexia and compulsive exercising, one could make a pretty good arguement for either.

(I've considered, on and off, making larger and more systematic changes to my diet. And yet, what I'm doing right now is demonstrably working pretty well for me, and in a pretty sane sort of way. The fact that I cook for Craig as well also makes it more complicated, as he likes much richer food than I would usually make for myself. Sometimes I feel a great nostalgia for my no sugar, no meat, no processed food bit of days past. So uncomplicated...!)

Meanwhile, despite feeling not my best the past few days, I'm also feeling a surprising level of comfort with my body. Not anything drastic, but... I feel okay about how I look without my clothes. "Okay" is too mild, but "content" is too complacent. Connected maybe -- I don't feel stunningly beautiful, but I don't feel broken or disconnected from what I see.

I think some of this is the alignment work. Balance (internal physical balance) is coming more or less easily; I don't have to fight for it anymore. (Obviously external physical balance has been pretty good throughout, and internal emotional balance at least is a different subject -- and despite some interesting jolts recently, I'm pretty satisfied there.) I like the way my shoulders sit. The soreness in my shoulder and neck feels more like a short term problem (torn muscles, healing) than an expression of some underlying concern.

And some of this is the triumph of function over form. At least, I don't think I really look that different, but knowing what I can do makes all the difference.

And some of this probably is that even though things slowed down a bit after the accident, I am continuing to shed fat. Pants that were uncomfortably tight in May are now fine, pants that were comfortable then are now baggy. I'm seeing as much definition in my forearms now as I did when I was lifting weights three times a week, but I still haven't gone back to weights with any regularity. (Though once things calm down in a day or two, I should probably look at putting together a set of things that I can do around the injuries.) I don't see this when I look at the mirror, not consciously, but I suspect I'm responding to it anyway.