tylik

i. The most useful person I've been working with at MS recently took a new job and is tired and stressed to the point of not really being helpful. (And I really like him, and don't want to stress him out more.) I have other avenues open to me, but I don't know how well they'll pan out. But I've pretty much told him that if he needs to focus in on the new job, I completely understand.

ii. OTOH, I was just reminded of something I can work on that's not utterly broken, which will put me in a much better mood. And I can always go hassle my new MS contact.

iii. I tried to stop by the myco lab today, but no one was in. But I thought I heard J's voice down the hall, so I stopped by the class / lab there, where J's class was just finishing up. (Plant ID. *sigh* Classical taxonomy is just so... soothing, and meditative.) So I asked him if the microscopic ID group was going to start up again, and he explained that it was not, most people being insufficiently dedicated. So I asked if I could stop by the lab and use the scopes on my own, and he said yes, and told me how to work that out... and then said that I shouldn't do it too much. Unless I was a volunteer. So I asked if he was interested in having me volunteer, though I couldn't commit to more than five or six hours a week, since I'm pretty busy in the other lab, but that I'd happily take on a project if he'd like. And he told me that I could work on my own stuff, and that he doesn't have anyone working there on a project of his at the moment because he doesn't have enough time.

Um... okay. So is this a commitment thing? Or a formality? (And will it get me keys to the lab?) It sounds like he's willing to have me volunteer, and come in and work on my own stuff. Which would be great. And if I'm going to do it at all, I'd like to do it on a regular schedule. And I'm probably nuts for even considering it ;-) I still entertain the occaisional fantasy of going after a degree in mycology. But there's an odd riddle like quality to what he said, I can't come in and work on my own stuff, unless I'm a volunteer. But if I am a volunteer, then I should just come in and work on my own stuff...

iv. Oh, and a prospagnosia note... when I got into the class, I saw an older man who vaguely fit my general description of J, but I could not recognize him. I actually retreated, and grabbed a student on her way out and confirmed that the person I saw was indeed J. I've known him for years. I've spent a fair bit of time with him for the last year and some. He'd grown a beard. Sometimes I don't seem to have an unusual degree of trouble, other times I swear that whole section of my brain is out of order. Usually I have less trouble with professors than pretty much anyone.

v. Yesterday I woke up and my neck didn't hurt. I haven't been doing that badly the last bit, but I didn't hurt, pretty much at all (at least in my neck, and the rest was pretty nominal too). Gods, but I don't realize how high the background level of pain has been unlike it goes away and I'm suddenly surrounded by a sudden, blessed silence. I'm kind of hoping this is because of some nutritional experiments I'm trying.

For comparison, the headaches, which have been more or less daily for the last several month, had almost completely gone away before I took that fall last summer. Ergh.

vi. I am even more convinced that I'd had some kind of low level virus for at least six weeks, ending about two weeks ago. Even when my neck isn't cooperating, things just aren't seeming so hard or so tiring. And the stupid sore throats have gone away.

vii. Despite that, today my neck hurt again. It wasn't even particularly bad, not remarkable at all, but I just wanted to cry. It's not the pain, exactly. I'm pretty functional, these days, and can mostly do the things I want, physically. Or at least am on track, in some way or another. It's the gradual realization of just how much this impacts my ability to work, and to think clearly. I don't have a particularly high expectation that my body is going to do what I want it to do, and I am fairly easily delighted. (And frankly, even with my physical issues most of the time I have more capacity and stamina than most people I know, if only by dint of being more active.) But thinking is different, much more central to my conception of myself, and something that feels much more like a betrayal. And of course the problem with an academic schedule is that I can't always wait until I feel better.

It's not like this is killing me, but it is costing me. It is also getting better, and I can't slack on it, even out of frustration or fear. (Okay, maybe that's "especially...")

Of course, when things are doing better, I can really kick some ass, too.