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tylik(Public. On purpose.)
So, as part of a conversation regarding a link I posted to Facebook, I was thinking about how much sexual assault was an accepted part of the social circles I spent time in during my teens. (I don't think mine were worse than most. Actually, I think they were often better than most, if only because there wasn't a whole lot of drinking.) And I was telling a few stories. Not terrible ones - ones that I for years considered funny, and now look at rather more askance.
Anyhow as part of this, it occurred to me that one of the guys who repeatedly sexually assaulted me when I was fifteen, at Orycon (as in, he kept finding me, coming up behind me and grabbing me and trying to feel me up - he was twenty five at the time, I'm pretty sure) is someone I've seen around Facebook. So I looked up his profile, and sure thing, we have a few friends in common. I'm not surprised.
This isn't really about him. (And no, I'm not naming him.) Because if I think about it, I can easily think of a handful of other people who are still parts of social circles I sometimes spend time in (I'm kind of far away these days) who have done similar things. Or worse things - I can think at least one case of what would clearly legally constitute rape* right off the top of my head. (Not to me.**) Sometimes much more recently. Sexual assault has been really common in geek culture, the way it's common across most of our society. I'd be pretty shocked if most of you, especially most of you who present as female, can't think of a few as well. (And I think many of us, of whatever gender, have done things that are less clear cut, at the least, in terms of consent, than we're comfortable with now. This is certainly true for me. Though what I'm talking about here aren't edge cases.)
So... how do we handle this kind of history? There's clearly still a pretty major agreement not to make a fuss, to not call these things out, and to keep silent. Especially if they're friends. Or friends of friends.
I wonder a little how much this kind of history makes it harder to support people who are assaulted now. I mean, obviously the friends and friends of friends stuff still applies. But... while I've thought about this in the abstract a lot, the past few years, I've been avoiding thinking about it in terms of people who are still part of my community. Because that will go no where good.
Is it enough that we change the standards of the community, hopefully to the extent that most of the people who committed assault in the past know that assault will no longer be tolerated? Do we just hope assholes are going to eventually die out? (I gotta say, the news doesn't really suggest it.) Do we have to call people out? Privately? Publicly? I gotta say, I haven't done it yet, and I don't really want to. But... when I decide not to speak, what else am I buying into?
* I don't know if the person who it happened to would call it rape. They were very unhappy at the time. I was furious when I found out about it. Did either of us say "rape" even to eachother? I don't remember, but I don't think so.
** Well, okay, that too, but not by anyone still in the community.
[ETA: And I should make it clear. Some of this involved people I think poorly of and always have. Some involve people who I avoided, but became more or less reconciled to. But in one of the incidents that I really think is the ickiest, it was actively enabled by someone... I am rather fond of. No, really. Life is complicated, and *that's my point*.
What do we have to do with the past in order to change the future?]
So, as part of a conversation regarding a link I posted to Facebook, I was thinking about how much sexual assault was an accepted part of the social circles I spent time in during my teens. (I don't think mine were worse than most. Actually, I think they were often better than most, if only because there wasn't a whole lot of drinking.) And I was telling a few stories. Not terrible ones - ones that I for years considered funny, and now look at rather more askance.
Anyhow as part of this, it occurred to me that one of the guys who repeatedly sexually assaulted me when I was fifteen, at Orycon (as in, he kept finding me, coming up behind me and grabbing me and trying to feel me up - he was twenty five at the time, I'm pretty sure) is someone I've seen around Facebook. So I looked up his profile, and sure thing, we have a few friends in common. I'm not surprised.
This isn't really about him. (And no, I'm not naming him.) Because if I think about it, I can easily think of a handful of other people who are still parts of social circles I sometimes spend time in (I'm kind of far away these days) who have done similar things. Or worse things - I can think at least one case of what would clearly legally constitute rape* right off the top of my head. (Not to me.**) Sometimes much more recently. Sexual assault has been really common in geek culture, the way it's common across most of our society. I'd be pretty shocked if most of you, especially most of you who present as female, can't think of a few as well. (And I think many of us, of whatever gender, have done things that are less clear cut, at the least, in terms of consent, than we're comfortable with now. This is certainly true for me. Though what I'm talking about here aren't edge cases.)
So... how do we handle this kind of history? There's clearly still a pretty major agreement not to make a fuss, to not call these things out, and to keep silent. Especially if they're friends. Or friends of friends.
I wonder a little how much this kind of history makes it harder to support people who are assaulted now. I mean, obviously the friends and friends of friends stuff still applies. But... while I've thought about this in the abstract a lot, the past few years, I've been avoiding thinking about it in terms of people who are still part of my community. Because that will go no where good.
Is it enough that we change the standards of the community, hopefully to the extent that most of the people who committed assault in the past know that assault will no longer be tolerated? Do we just hope assholes are going to eventually die out? (I gotta say, the news doesn't really suggest it.) Do we have to call people out? Privately? Publicly? I gotta say, I haven't done it yet, and I don't really want to. But... when I decide not to speak, what else am I buying into?
* I don't know if the person who it happened to would call it rape. They were very unhappy at the time. I was furious when I found out about it. Did either of us say "rape" even to eachother? I don't remember, but I don't think so.
** Well, okay, that too, but not by anyone still in the community.
[ETA: And I should make it clear. Some of this involved people I think poorly of and always have. Some involve people who I avoided, but became more or less reconciled to. But in one of the incidents that I really think is the ickiest, it was actively enabled by someone... I am rather fond of. No, really. Life is complicated, and *that's my point*.
What do we have to do with the past in order to change the future?]
