Once again I'm up too late...

Terminator 3 is a very silly movie. But not a bad way not to angst over missing bagua. I think I'll head into wushu on Sunday (and probably sit out 90% of the class, but hey, sometimes that's the thing).

I was up for at least eight hours without napping today. Go me.

I also spent a long while wondering if I really need to be taking the drugs, and if I reallyneed to be coddling myself quite this much. (This is predictable, and tends to happen if I go two hours or more without moderate or worse pain.) So I ran up a flight of stair and got really, really dizzy. And then I planned to go to a slightly lower dose of drugs... except that when the last dose started to wear off I was suddenly in a world of hurt.

Conclusions:

Cox-2 inhibitors -- at least Bextra, the first of the class that I've taken -- are really nifty drugs. I still like to think I'm bouncing back quickly -- and they should be making it easier for me to get better -- but I'm appreciating how much they're just making it all not hurt terribly. I suspect these drugs are awfully expensive... and yet, having tried most of the less expensive alternatives, hey, I'm sold.

I'm definately up for doing more (did all my stretches! did some really easy form work!) but I'd rather do more low intensity stuff, than do the minute or so of higher intensity stuff that I can probably do.

trusting the world

Did compulsory Chen in the park with craigp and who_is_she, and then Master Feng's Chen with Craig afterwards. This hasn't been a great day for me physically (more on that later, probably) but especially during the second form I felt so dizzy, and tired I wasn't really sure I was going to make it through the form. And I started to get worried, and emotionally, at least, kind of tense up.

But then, and maybe it was just that I didn't really have the energy to sustain it, I just kind of let it go. I kind of thought "so what? what if I fall? I trust my body to know how to fall, and I trust the ground to catch me..." and I just kind of gave up thinking about the form, or wondering what I could or couldn't do, or anything else except for doing the form. Kind of a letting go of consequences, in a way. But also a very complete kind of relaxing.

(As a side note -- a couple months ago I completely blew a tornado kick, and took a flying fall... and hit and rolled and came up and it was fine. I've done other things like that, that one was just particularly spectacular. And very reassuring...)

It feels very right for Taiji, which is funny because I first recognized that I sometimes do that in wushu. In wushu, especially the first couple of quarters while my health was still pretty iffy, I'd often feel just overwhelmed -- not in pain, but breathing too hard, and feeling like I just couldn't go on. Before I did wushu, I usually just took a rest when I felt like that, but in wushu I found that I could usually just stop worrying about whether I could do it or not, and just keep moving. Sometimes with more or less success, but it was kind of amazing, how my body could go beyond what my brain knew how to do.

I've played with some similar ideas with Taiji, but it's never really come together the same way -- probably because it was usually pain that got in my way with Taiji, and while I like to be able to work through pain, I don't want to encourage myself to ignore it, either.

But this sense of giving up thinking, giving up any idea that I can control the world, or control the outcomes, and just doing the form, this relaxed but very solid focus, doing the form and not knowing even if I'd finish it... I'm looking forward to my body mending, but I want to take that bit with me.
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